George Stephenson

Ok, get ready for your exams, here's your cup

Oh, my. Back in the day, say a year ago and not just the time of buggy whips and penny loafers, you just had to see what was written on the palm of a student’s hand to see if they were cheating on a test.

In the near future you might have to string out the crime scene tape, haul out the CSI flashlights and take urine samples all around.

The Academy of Medical Sciences in Britain has issued a warning that certain “brain-enhancing” drugs are in danger of being misused by students looking to enhance their grades.

These brain boosters are prescription-only drugs normally used to treat conditions such as Alzheimer’s, attention deficit disorder and narcolepsy to improve memory and attention span in people with degenerative brain diseases. Yes, sadly, Johnny may only have finally remembered the date of Cabot’s landing in North America because he’s been scoffing granny’s meds again.

“Students using cognitive enhancers raises exactly the same issues as athletes using drugs to improve their performance,” says Prof. Les Iversen, a pharmacologist at Oxford University and co-author of the report. “The risk is they could give people an unfair advantage in exams – and examination results stand for a lot in this country.”

The report urges the British government to sound the alarm and prepare for regulations, possibly including urine tests to control the use of such drugs in schools, universities and workplaces.

Whoa, talk about trying to untangle one giant barrel of monkeys. Supervising exams is dubious duty at the best of times. What a cringe-worthy endeavour it will be to also supervise the urine test.

The Academy of Medical Sciences appears to want authorities to swing one gigantic hammer to nail down one tiny carpet tack. And it’s not even a new carpet tack; it’s been sticking up for years.

Students and scholars have been using cognition-enhancing substances for decades whether natural or otherwise. Coffee, Red Bull, egg yolks, peanuts, broccoli, a nicely-poached salmon are all said to have properties to keep one alert or improve memory or bolster neurotransmitters in the brain.

Do we have a test for misuse of salmon?

Certainly trying to even the field when it comes to exams is laudable, although the focus perhaps should be on the worth of exams themselves or on what these drugs to to otherwise healthy people. Whatever, some students will always have an unfair advantage. Some will have more supportive parents, some will have better teachers, some will have better diets. And what about the kids who are legally taking a drug for ADD? Do they have an unfair advantage? Are they cheating when they’re taking a test? Maybe we have the with-Ritalin and without-Ritalin tests.

Not all problems or perceived problems can be solved with yet more regulations and tests of the urine kind. Sometimes the best we can do is point out that you shouldn’t take any drugs and haul out that old potato that does come from the days of buggy whips and penny loafers: If you take somebody’s Alzheimer’s drugs to do better on a test, you’re only cheating yourself.

Well, yourself and your granny.